Starcraft Parodies
by Monty Crabapple
Summary: MORE OF CHAPTER 1!!!!! Follow as the world of StarCraft unfolds... through the eyes of a maniac. - News Monty: I am not making these anymore. Alex is too good, and I'm holding him back. You'll all love his story, I do!
1. The Computer Chick

Starcraft Parody by Alex  
  
(Three ships floating in space looking for something for no particular reason)  
  
Guy in ship 1: Woo! We're gonna take dem richies!!! Yee hee, hee, hee, hee (Starts dancing around)  
  
Guy in ship 2: What?! You said we came for McDonalds!  
  
Guy in ship 3: I have to pee pee!!!  
  
Guy 1: umm... I never said that  
  
Guy 2: And we were supposed to go to the ballet.  
  
Guy 3: I told you. "Hop on Pop: the Musical" is retarded.  
  
Guy 1: Shaddap... here comes the planet now  
  
Guy 2: Help, my fingers stuck up my ass!  
  
Guy 1: ...  
  
Guy 3: ooh lookey! We can fly in space!  
  
Guy 2: we've been doing that for 5 goddamn years!!!  
  
(Ship looks over horizon)  
  
Ship pilot: Ha Ha! Look at the bumper sticker! Ha ha ha ha! I mean, uh DEATH!!!  
  
Guy 1:*high* *ship begins to shake* hey those guy's are doing killing us for some reason*explodes*  
  
Guy 2: That makes no sense. They don't even do anything later. *Explodes*  
  
Guy 3: I'm out of pants...*explodes*  
  
(End of Introduction)  
  
Magistrate: *Listening to MP3* Oh Danny Boy!!! Something, something, something!  
  
Duke: ... *holding bottle* so then I say's to him "Hey! You like porta- potty?" Get it? Ha ha ha ha. *Laughs, coughs, chokes, barfs, coma, wakes up* Whoa I had too much vodka...  
  
Random Technology Guy: Sir that was laundry detergent.  
  
Duke: Alls I knows is that it was the greatest moment of my... *falls asleep*  
  
Magistrate: General! You called sir?  
  
Duke: Yes I did ya stupid bellboy! Where's my luggage? *Falls over sobbing* it's not coming is it? *Sobs some more*  
  
Magistrate: Um... sure. Anyway, I came because you demanded you see me sir!!!  
  
Duke: Yes, I did! Please ya gotta help me!!! I can't stop it!!!  
  
Magistrate: What's that sir?  
  
Duke: SNIFFING CATS!!! *pulls out Siamese* *inhales deeply*  
  
Magistrate: Right...  
  
Duke: Go to the planet and meet up with Jim whats-his-na... *barfs* Ooh! *shoves in pants* this is going straight to the shrine!  
  
Magistrate: *runs away*  
  
(On the planet, Magistrate meets up with some marines)  
  
Magistrate: Yo Yo whassup dogs?  
  
Marines: *stare blankly*  
  
Marine 1: *turns to group* Guys, we aren't high enough. *Sniffs glowstick*  
  
Marine 2: Hey, isn't that a... ooh! Gameboy! *Starts playing*  
  
Marine 3: Dude, weak... My buns are cold. Now I'll never get to win the big wienie award  
  
SCV 1: WTF? Magistrate: Um... On to the Command Center!  
  
Marine 1: Do it yourself biatch!  
  
Magistrate: They have pie!  
  
Troops: Yay!  
  
(As soon as the troops running into some trees, they got going)  
  
Marine 3: So, how'd you get such a crappy job?  
  
SCV 1: Because I'm #$%& BLACK!!!  
  
Marine 3: ...  
  
Magistrate: Right over the next hill men!  
  
SCV 2: You say that so much it loses its meaning  
  
(Out of nowhere zerglings pop up)  
  
Zergling: RAHH!!!  
  
Marine 1: *Still high* Hey, look at duh cute wittle doggy. *Gets balls chopped off* Owee!  
  
Marine 2: NOOO!!! *Shoots Zergling!* I loved him... *starts crying* Now we can't have kids...  
  
Magistrate: ...?  
  
SCV: Ooooooookay.  
  
(Everyone resumes fighting)  
  
Magistrate: Ha ha ha!!! Eat lead ya dirty bitch!  
  
Zergling: *Pulls out tea cup and talks in English accent* Aye, good chap, I believe that foul language is indubitably unnecessary so if you could halt yourself before saying such things again, we would deeply appreciate it. Cheerio! *walks away*  
  
Marine: Brits.  
  
(Soon the troops arrive at the Center)  
  
Magistrate: I told ya we would get here.  
  
Marine 3: But you said we wouldn't get hurt as long as we filled our guns with butter.  
  
Magistrate: I never said that.  
  
SCV 2: Sure you did. It was when *anvil falls on head* oof!  
  
Magistrate: That shut him up. Hey, where's Jim Raynor?  
  
Marine dressed in Santa Claus outfit: Ho, ho, ho, there's weed for everyone!!!  
  
Magistrate: No, not yet we... *gets tackled by troops*.  
  
Marines: Yay!!!  
  
Magistrate: *Brushes squirrels off his shirt* what was that for?  
  
Marine in Santa suit: ha, ha! *rips off suit* I'm really your father!!!  
  
Magistrate: No your not.  
  
Marine formally in Santa suit: Oh. HOW ABOUT THIS?! *rips off suit again*  
  
Magistrate: No, your just Jim Raynor a... Hey, you're the guy I was looking for.  
  
Jim: *Shifts eyes* Right, what you said. *kicks over dumpster*. 


	2. The High Firebats

Starcraft Parody Chapter 2  
  
Monty: Okay everyone, this is the second chapter that I am revising to make better. Are you all happy now, I'm tired of doing this over again!  
  
Alex: I'm happy.  
  
Monty: ALEX SHUT YOUR GOD DAMMED MOUTH!!!!  
  
(Where we last left the story, Jim was about to get off being high by seeing the men taking a shower. It is been five minutes and...)  
  
Jim: Dude... the medics sure have been uhhh... trying new things these days... *hurl*  
  
Magistrate: Yeah, they seem to like being individual. So, are you still high?  
  
Jim: I was high? I thought I was stoned, what's the difference?  
  
Magistrate: *to himself* the fact we haven't hit you yet... (As in throw stones at him, hence "stoned")  
  
Jim: What was that?  
  
Magistrate: Nothing...nothing...  
  
Jim: Anyways, we have a problem with Back Water station, the Zerg have been attacking  
  
Magistrate: Why do they call it backwater?  
  
Jim: It has a lot of water, famous for skinny dipping and fishing  
  
Magistrate: Let's get going then EVERYONE! GET READY TO LEAVE!!!  
  
All the troops: *high* what...  
  
(After an hour of explaining, looking at the men's bathroom and 4 hours of getting high... the men get going!)  
  
Troops: Her name is Rita and she dances on the sand! ... *continue the stripper ditty*  
  
Magistrate: How did these guys make the army?  
  
Marine: They were sent from Canada  
  
(Again, no offence to the American bitch Canadians).  
  
Magistrate: Oh, that explains it!  
  
(They all pass by a gunky thing on the ground connected to some building)  
  
Jim: Hey look at that, it looks like the ground there is alive!  
  
Marine: Wow, I am really stoned...  
  
Magistrate: Kill it!!!!!  
  
Zerglings: ghdjlhfjlhauifhfngjkfhgkjlshjkshjknhgkjlsnkljnlk!!!!!+2  
  
Marines: Oh yeah, listen to that, they think they are smarter, well listen to this!  
  
Marines: 2 + 2 = 4, 4 + 4 = 8, 8 + 8=... uh... um... ATTACK!!!!!!!  
  
(A big battle happens)  
  
Zergling: I dear say good chap, we are even and I... *dies*  
  
Marine: hahahahahahhahaha, they are so weak  
  
Zergling: *flips off Marines*  
  
(With a long time of fighting, the Marines win in the end)  
  
Jim: Now, kill that building thing!  
  
(To make a long story short... na, too funny to make it short!) (Marines kill it) (OK so I did)  
  
(Later on the troops find a bunker)  
  
Jim: Look a bunker!  
  
Marine: With room service!  
  
(2 SCVs pop out)  
  
SCVs: Oh thank you, we've been trapped in there for days, hiding from the Zerg  
  
Marine: God, are thoughs the strippers?  
  
Magistrate: They are spies!  
  
Marine: Kill em!  
  
SCVs: No, we are just trapped an... *farts out of terror* *then dies*  
  
(Eventually the men reach backwater, they spot two firebats getting high)  
  
Marines: Dude, can I have some?  
  
Firebats: Your not the boss of my spots or pretty me!  
  
Marines: Dude, that's some strong shit!  
  
Marines: Give me some!  
  
Firebats: No, it's too strong for you and *barf* ooowww, fooood! *eats barf*  
  
Marines: Dude, that's nasty!! ... LET ME HAVE SOME PLEASE!!!!!!!!  
  
Firebats: Go skinny dipping with Dan and George  
  
Marines: Ah... but Stan and George are mean! I want to get high!!!  
  
Jime: God, look to the left, its spelled Jime!!!! God I am so damn high.. I don't know what's going on...  
  
Marines: Hey Jim, where the hells the Hooters?!  
  
Jim: I didn't say anything about Hooters  
  
Marines: Dude course you did! That's why we're here.  
  
Jim: I think I was stoned or high or something... Hey look it's the Osbournes!!!!!! God I am so damn high...  
  
Marines: No, the Osmonds!  
  
Magistrate: No its, Santa Clause! *gets high*  
  
(The Zerg attack)  
  
Firebats: God dammit! I was just about to see god and... no that was Gandalf... nevermind...  
  
Marines: Die you Zerg Scum!!!!  
  
Hydralisk: *Russian accent* Come comrades; let us get back at dease Human bitches!  
  
Marines: *get inside bunker* Die ya fools! *shoots 450 bullets and misses them all*  
  
Marine: Uuuuhhhh. Magistrate I uh... RUN *runs away* *leaves bunker* *gets shot in back of head by Hydralisk*  
  
Everyone: *laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh* ... ATTACK!!! *kill each other*  
  
(With a good four minutes going by, everyone tries to kill each other and they all get high. While looking at the men's bathroom for a while they all stop being high and begin to kill each other again. Soon the Firebats storm in and kill off the Zerg)  
  
Firebats: Die ya scum!!! Cause of you my boss won't let me get high!!!!!  
  
Zerg Forces: *high* Oh, sorry man, we didn't know that, later much! *leaves, gets even higher, falls off cliff chasing an imaginary pink bunny the size of a wall nut* oooowww funny bunny ha ha ha... AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Terren Forces: Well, that is the most god dammest thing I've ever seen  
  
Magistrate: OK men, lets get going!!!  
  
Terren Forces: *Tired, not motivated* Sir, we have no purpose to go forward  
  
Magistrate: *thinks for a few minutes, gets high and comes up with something* Dudessss!!!!! Remember, we get to go to hooters after!  
  
Terren Forces: *rallied together* LETS GET EM THEN!!!!!! *cheer* YYYYEEEAAAHHH  
  
(With another four minutes going by. Oh I get tired of this. To make the story short they get high fight the Zerg and get to an infested command center. They soon blow it up and get high)  
  
Marines: What do we do now Magistrate *high* oooowww Bunny!!!  
  
Magistrate: Uhhh, haven't you played the game, we have to wait for Duke to arrest us!  
  
(Four hours later...)  
  
Marines: *forced to play with lizards and rocks and bunnies* Man, I'm tired *gets high* man, I'm tired, getting High isn't as much fun anymore... *Unsmilie face*  
  
(Soon a giant space ship comes out of space and lands on the marines)  
  
Marines: Help, Help, we're being repressed!!! An... *dies*  
  
(Some guy comes out of the spaceship)  
  
Duke: BILLY! Watch your landing next time! *burp* I need ta get out and arrest these guys an... *barfs* oooowww barf...  
  
Magistrate: What did we do General?  
  
Duke: You f***ing blew up one of my Command Centers!!!  
  
Magistrate: It was infested sir, and we were high!!!  
  
Duke: *dazed* I don't care if you were higher than me ... is that possible? Anyways, you will pay for blowing that up an... *sees bunny* Ow, bunny!!! *falls off cliff* you'll do hard tiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmeeeeee *splat* 


	3. The Infested Command Center

Monty: Alright everybody, this is the third revision of the StarCraft parody!  
  
Alex: Yeah, this is the best!  
  
Monty: THIS IS MY STORY SO SHUT UP!!!!!  
  
Alex: *to himself* Bizatch...  
  
(This is going to be different. This is an alternate way of the destruction of the infested command center. The real thing is when I started writing this I thought the characters hadn't left backwater. Anyways I wrote too much to go back and edit it so here it is. Enjoy.)  
  
(As we last left our heroes they defeated the Zerg at backwater station).  
  
(To increase our Simpsons usage, we are going to call all the marines the names that Bart asked for prank calling Moe)  
  
Seymour Asses: Yeah, eat that you stupid Zerg! *Turns to Firebat* can I have some of that weed now please?  
  
Firebat: All right, you can have some *Tosses weed*  
  
Seymour Asses: Great! Can I have a lighter?  
  
Firebat: Heh, do you think we just give our weed away to a marine? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!  
  
Seymour Asses: Ahhh *pouts* *grabs regular weed* *shoots to light it* *blows hand off in outcome* *screams from loss of hand* *gets high* *forgets the loss of hand*  
  
Jim: *high, remember? * Now let's go get that Zerg base thing!  
  
Magistrate: *not high, sad isn't it? * Yeah ... Let's get them!!!  
  
Marines & Firebats: YEEAAAHHHHH!!!!!  
  
(A few hours later while traveling to the Zerg base thing...)  
  
Al Cahalic: OOW, look at that thing! It's taken over the Command Center *looks at Infested Command Center*  
  
Jim: Everyone attack the Zerg, the Magistrate and I will get the infested thing!  
  
Marines & Firebats: YYYEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!  
  
Zerg forces: EEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!  
  
(With a good hour of screaming contests and getting high, the battle finally starts)  
  
Jim: Let's get it from the bottom! *Fires fragment grenades at it* *hey, if they are fragment, how do they work*  
  
Hydralisk: *Russian accent remember?* Come comrades! Let us defeat these vile capitalist dogs!  
  
Other Hydralisks: DA!!!!!!!  
  
Firebats: Yo, they think they can make us feel like we have bad democratic.. negotiation type uh... I suck at politics.  
  
Seymour Asses: Yo Jimmy, use those spidey sensey thingy on your tricycle thing!  
  
Jim: Dude I'm not that high in fact I... Hey Mr. Pinky, my brother!  
  
Zerglings: *to each other* Hm, I do believe those people have gone unfortunately insane... EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!  
  
Al Cahalic: You commie pigs! You killed my granny! *to himself* and her pie..that was a good pie...=(  
  
Magistrate: Ha ha ha you stupid British commie guys will never triumph to the power of Jebus!!!  
  
Hydralisk: Oh ya well your *gets head blown up*  
  
Jim: Hey man, they're all dead. Bye Mr. Pinky!  
  
Mr. Pinky: Bye...bitch  
  
(For all of you that don't know, Mr. Pinky is a giant pink elephant and smokes a lot and hires male prostitutes)  
  
Magistrate: All right you two marines, Jacques Strap and I.P. Freely, go into the infested thing and destroy it!!!  
  
Jacques and I.P: YEAAAAHHHHHH!  
  
(a few hours later they come out only they're infested by the Zerg)  
  
Jim: Hey you two didn't kill the big loogey building!  
  
Infested Jacques: aslkdfjasdhfashdfkasdfadd Ha ha ha ha * fires machine gun*  
  
Infested I.P: sdfgkljjl;$#5g! *fires*  
  
Magistrate: NO! Don't shoot, they're our troops! GIVE THEM WEED!!!  
  
Jim: *throws weed* bye bye!  
  
Infested marines: WEED! *infested stuff goes away*  
  
Jacques Strap: Whoa, thanks, I thought I'd be a commy forever.  
  
I.P Freely: But weed brought us back...  
  
Jim: WEED!  
  
Commercial Guy: Weed, it makes you happy SO DON'T QUIT DAMMIT!  
  
Surgeon Generals Warning: You all suck ya bitches  
  
Firebats: Kill the thing!!! *Set it on fire*  
  
Magistrate: Fire and stuff  
  
Seymour Asses: Attack...  
  
*Building explodes*  
  
Jim: So... how do we get home?  
  
Magistrate: I 'unno. Internet?  
  
Jim: I know how to figure out how to get home!  
  
(10 minutes later)  
  
Seymour Asses: Let's go to the pool today!  
  
I.P. Freely: I'm 'gonna go take a shower!  
  
(A good 25 minutes of this went by until a small figure approached out of the mountains. He was a strong daring man to help solve all their problems...)  
  
Towley: Don't forget to bring a towel  
  
Terrens: We will Towley  
  
Towley: You guys want to get high?  
  
Jim: I've always wanted to say this *clear throat* NO TOWLEY WE DON'T WANT TO GET HI...  
  
(Jim was grabbed and pushed down to the ground by all the Terren troops including the magistrate, with a hand over his mouth)  
  
Amanda Hugenkiss: No Towley, we do want to get high, we do!  
  
Towley: Hot damn!  
  
(A few hours after getting high)  
  
Seymour Asses: *looking at fingers* they call 'em fingers but I never see 'em fing. Oh, there they go!  
  
I.P.F.: Dudes, we have to figure out how to get to the next level, I forgot all about it.  
  
Magistrate: I don't remember, just let me get high, I know I'll remember after that!  
  
Jim: Alright, alright *hands over lighter and cig*  
  
Magistrate: *gets high*  
  
(Cheap version of pop-eye music)  
  
(30.281 seconds later...)  
  
Amanda Hugenkiss: Well... Do you remember now?  
  
Magistrate: Remember what?  
  
Terren Troops: AAAHHH *tackle the magistrate*  
  
Magistrate: OOOWWWIIIEEESSS!  
  
Jime: Dude, stop misspelling my name!!  
  
Monty: Oh, sorry Jime...HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!  
  
Jime: ^ ^  
  
Monty: ... Fine  
  
Jim: YAY!!!  
  
Jim: Anyways, I remember how we get to the next level, General Duke comes and arrests us for destroying his command center.  
  
Troops: Oh... RRRUUNNN!!!!! *Run away*  
  
Magistrate: Get back here! You damn stoners  
  
(Suddenly a giant space ship comes out of the sky and lands on four of the troops)  
  
The four troops: OOOOWWWWIIIEEEESSSS!!!!!  
  
(General Duke comes outside, drunk as usual)  
  
Duke: Dudes, you are under arrest for destroying a valuable Confederate Chicken!!  
  
(The General's tactical officer comes out, not drunk)  
  
Tactical Dude: No sir that's a Confederate Outpost  
  
Duke: Oh, thanks for telling me Dude  
  
Tactical Dude: Not a problem sir  
  
Duke: Wants some Tylenol?  
  
Tactical Dude: No...  
  
Duke: THAT'S AN ORDER SARGENT!  
  
Tactical Dude: Alright sir, I'll have some  
  
Duke: YOUR NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!! *Barfs*  
  
Duke: OOOWWW Barf *eats Barf*  
  
(Everyone else stares)  
  
Seymour Asses: Dude, even I'm not high enough to eat my own barf!  
  
I.P. Freely: I am! *runs over and eats barf* *barfs* *eats barf again*  
  
Well the General Arrests them and they meet up with Emperor Mensgk who ends up helping them. Then he sends Jim's newly found girlfriend into a suicide mission who then gets captured by the Zerg and gets infested. The next episode will be Jime (hehehehehehehehehehe) and his men will try to escape Mensgk and Duke (who joined Mensgk). 


	4. WTF! THE END ALREADY!

Monty: Well everyone, I have finally gotten ready to do my fourth chapter of STARCRAFT PARODIES!!!  
  
Alex: This is gonna' be great!  
  
Monty: Shu... Hey, yeah your right!  
  
Monty: Enjoy!  
  
(Okay, so now in this chapter, we go to the very last level in the Terren campaign. Where the Bart marines, Jime (HAHAHAHHAAHA) Rayner and the Magistrate have to fight to destroy the ion cannon in order to escape. Let's see what's going to happen!)  
  
(In the game, at the beginning of this level, Jim said something very memorable. He spoke words of deception and of betrayal. Lets here what the high Jim would say...)  
  
Jim: MENSGK IS AN ASSHOLE! LET'S KICK HIS ASSENESS NESS NESS!!!!!!  
  
Marines: YEAH!!!!!!  
  
(Inspiring aint it?)  
  
Magistrate: Before we get started, let's just take one big whiff before we go into battle  
  
Marines & Jime (hehehe): Here, here!  
  
(After a few hours of getting high, the Marines, Magistrate and Jim finally awaken right on the doorstep of the ion cannon, with all of Menskg's troops dead...)  
  
Jim: ...  
  
I.P.Freely.: Dude, what happened?  
  
Seymour Asses: I think we beat them!  
  
Mike Roch: What, how is that possible?  
  
Magistrate: The Battlecruisers fought off all the men while we were high, and brought us here *points up*  
  
Seymour Asses: You mean that there are more than just Marines and Firebats in this game?  
  
Monty: Of course, without them, it would be pretty lame.  
  
Alex: JIME!!!  
  
Jim & Monty: SHUT UP ALEX!!!!  
  
Alex: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!  
  
Seymour Asses: Then there is no point in living, if I am not the only one *points gun to face*  
  
Mike Roch: Dude, what are you doing!?!?!?!  
  
Seymour Asses: I can't live in this universe, there is nothing to live for!  
  
I.P.F.: That's not true, think about getting high!  
  
Seymour Asses: Oh, yeah! I forgotted about that! *Takes away gun*  
  
Jacques Strap: So.. What do we do now?  
  
Jime I unno'. Internet?.. Stop calling me Jime!!!  
  
Alex: Ha! I'm takin' over now! This parody's mine!  
  
Jacques Strap: That's your answer to everything!  
  
Firebat: While we're here why don't we sing camp so...*gets head blown off by Mutilisk*  
  
Mutilisk: askljdfghasuihgiasbufgasiudfgigbuasdbfg!!!  
  
Magistrate: Yo mama!!!  
  
Mutilisk: (In Pirate accent) Aye me mama be given me my wings and a chicken for dinner. Fine bit of dinner too. Mmm... Chicken.  
  
Jim: Attack!!!  
  
I.P.F.: Fire at the damn thing! (Zerglings appear over the horizon)  
  
Zerglings: raaasjfklkdj;jf... (In accent) oh I dear say that it does appear to be 4:00! Tea time!  
  
(All the Zerglings stop what they're doing, and invite the terren forces for tea)  
  
Magistrate: Sure. Can we put weed in it?  
  
Zergling: Why not?  
  
(After drinking tea and getting high, the battle slowly begins)  
  
Jim: (High) Whoa... tea is sure better out here.  
  
Zerglings: Tis isn't it.Raahaaa!  
  
Magistrate: (Not high) Yaaaa!!!  
  
I.P.F.: (Hurls)  
  
(A giant battle begins)  
  
Jim: Yaah...zzzzzzzzzz  
  
Monty: LET GO!!! OWE! ALEX... OOOWWWWEWE!!!!  
  
Alex: DUDE! LET GO! BUH, AAAAAHHHHH  
  
Monty: HAHAHAHAHA, GOOD PREVAILS AGAIN!!!  
  
Monty: Now I'm in control!  
  
Zerglings: fbhnkvbfhfdbvkhfdsvnkfb! GET THEM!  
  
Marines: WWWWWUUUUUHHHH!!!!  
  
Magistrate: Come on everyone, they outnumber us! Let's get away in this transport!  
  
(A random transport appears out of no where and the pilot offers the marines a ride)  
  
Mutilisk: Eye! They be gettin' away!  
  
(A large group of Hydralisks come over the horizon)  
  
Mutaliski: Why do all of our reinforcements come so late? ... There eh!  
  
Hydralisks: We have to get it just right with the sun, comrades. It gives it a dramatic effe... *Gets head blown off by Marines*  
  
Marine: YOU GOD DAMMED ZERG THINGEMABOBODIESMONGULAFONDUDLYPOOPIES!!!!!  
  
Magistrate: ... I am either way too high, or not high enough...  
  
Jim: Uh... Now what?  
  
Magistrate: Get on the F***ing transport  
  
Seymour Asses: okay  
  
(As they all get on there is a message)  
  
I.P.F.: ...so then I'm like, "Sure go to your stupid eagles concert!"  
  
Magistrate:?  
  
Jime: Hey, that mission was hell of short! Why is that?  
  
End of Terren campaign  
  
Jacques Strap: Hey, why is it so god damned short? I wanna get HIGH!!!  
  
Monty: Ha ha ha ha!!!  
  
Alex: Sorry we gotta FADEOUT!!!  
  
Jim: No wait I NOOOOOOO!!! *gets hand chopped off by fadeout*  
  
Jim: Owwiees!!!!  
  
The End 


	5. And you thought the Terran were weird!

Monty: Well I bet none of you ever thought we could make another one.  
  
Alex: Bizatch!  
  
Monty: But yet here we are, with Chapter 5: And you thought the Terran were weird.  
  
Alex: Pie is good.  
  
Monty: So here we are with a super Parody chapter. This one is longer, funnier and will make you crap your pants!  
  
Alex: It takes about 1,973 licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop!  
  
Monty: That's right Alex, LETS SHOW THEM WHAT WE CAN DO!  
  
Alex: I'm kinda like Jesus but not in a sacrilegious way! ______________________________________  
  
(We start out in a dark area, and then we come out, feeling odd and lifeless. Then you realize that you were born, with intelligence far beyond that of a cheese sandwich. You see a figure with one eye in front of you. He begins to talk.)  
  
Overmind: Awaken my child, and embrace the glory that is your birthright. Know that I am the Overmind, supreme ruler of the... *pulls out inhaler. Takes whiff* Okay, I'm sorry; I can't act like this anymore.  
  
Cerebrate: ...  
  
Overmind: Listen, you are a Cerebrate that I just created. You and the *snort* others like you are in charge of managing my kitchen sink... I mean... Swarm.  
  
Cerebrate: Dude, WTF is up with your eye?  
  
Overmind: *Puts on glasses and headgear* *Talks in spitty voice* you slee... I have a major problem wish my voish *spits everywhere*  
  
Cerebrate: What the F*** did you just say?  
  
Overmind: Look, all I want to do take over the univshe. Is that really so mush to asx?  
  
Cerebrate: *Playing X-Box* What?  
  
Overmind: *Picking at nasal cavities* What?  
  
Cerebrate: *Sniping Whales* What?  
  
(This goes on for about an hour...)  
  
Overmind: Oh, that. Wesh, I asked you to take control of my broojsh, and help to conquer the universh!  
  
Cerebrate: Okay that sounds cool. I'll see ya later *Farts on cat on way out* Oh that was a wet one!.  
  
Overmind: ... *Looks at Cat* Sorry Mr. Tinkleton, Cerebrates have gas when their first made ... or are horny...  
  
Mr. Tinkleton: *In Cat language* Oh that's alright... bitch...  
  
Overmind: *Sucks inhaler*  
  
-- Go to the Cerebrate's base on Tarsonis --  
  
Daggoth: Hello there, I am Daggoth.  
  
Cerebrate: Hey what's up?  
  
Daggoth: I just came to warn you about Zazz, he can be a real asshole. Unlike me, I am the Overmind's top agent.  
  
Cerebrate: ... Um, thanks for the warning. It's nice to kn...  
  
Zazz: Yo, muh HOMIE! What's shaken G?  
  
Daggoth: Too late...  
  
Cerebrate: Yo mama!  
  
Zazz: Yeah she's one fine biza... What the F***?!  
  
Cerebrate: Nothing...  
  
Zazz: Anyway, it's time to start the colony.  
  
Drone: (French accent) Aw, ze hatcheree has been created an, zher has been ozer sings zat, vill help vith your own base creation no? Vell now I have to mutate into ze cleep colony k'? *Explodes into something like your mother-in-law's cooking, and soon becomes a creep colony*  
  
Cerebrate: Does everyone do this?  
  
Zazz: Yo, homie they do ya BIATCH! *bites off toe nails*  
  
Cerebrate: Just start the damn colonies! *eats toast*  
  
Zazz: Okay, okay.  
  
(After a few hours of drones turning into tuna casseroles, and buildings, watching DVD's and getting constipated, the colony expands)  
  
Overmind: Yes, my reign of terror has begun. *Masturbates*  
  
(YES! Zerg creatures can do that!)  
  
Cerebrate: Yeah um, who runs the Hatchery?  
  
Zazz: My bitches, yo.  
  
(All of a sudden, millions of larva hop out of the hatcheries, while a scream comes from inside)  
  
Cerebrate: I see.  
  
Larva: U can't touch this! *dance to the M C Hammer song*  
  
Cerebrate: WTF?  
  
Zazz: *listening to MP3* There's got to be a morning after!  
  
Cerebrate: ... Dude, WTF are you singing?!  
  
Zazz: Yo homie G, I'm not all tuff and s***. I've got a soft gangsta side to myself too!  
  
Hatchery: Fo shizzle my nizzle boo!  
  
Zazz: Shut up bitch!  
  
Hatchery: Skank.  
  
Zazz: Asshole!  
  
Hatchery: Dirk!  
  
Zazz: That turns my on *gets horny* *Gasses up*  
  
Hatchery: Come here babe!  
  
(Zazz and the Hatchery start to make out, until the surrounding Zerglings get killed from Zazz's gas)  
  
Zerglings: OOOWWWIIIEEESSS!!!  
  
-- Break! --  
  
Monty: Alex and I would like to make a small break to allow people to stop laughing so hard [You are, aren't you!?]  
  
Alex: Yeah, I want to ... ahh I'm too pisst to take a break!  
  
Monty: What's making you so angry Alex?  
  
Alex: I can't see my forehead.  
  
Monty: ... WTF does that have to do with anything!?!?!?  
  
Alex: I'unno, internet?  
  
Monty: Riiiiiiiight..  
  
Alex: I WANT FAN MAIL!!!  
  
Monty: Yeah. REVIEW THIS FIC OR WILL SEND ZAZZ TO YOUR HOUSE WITH A PLAYBOY MAG!  
  
-- We now return you to your feature presentation --  
  
Overmind: Oh my godsh! The horny Zazz and the hatchery just made a friggin chryshalish. *Break dances*  
  
Cerebrate: *holding plastic bag* hey, I think that the drone over here just laid a crap in the shape of Saddam's head!  
  
Other Hatchery: Hey Zazz, I'm horny! I want Zerglings NOW!!!  
  
Zazz: Whoa, that is Saddam's head!  
  
Other Hatchery: Come on!  
  
Zazz: How do you think it does that?  
  
Other Hatchery: Zaaaaazz?  
  
Zazz: Look at me! I broke the Frogger high score! *Hosts party*  
  
Crowd: YAY. *Cheers*  
  
Other Hatchery: Zazz, ya pimp I'm god damn horny!!!  
  
Zazz: Oh okay, *unzips fly*  
  
Other Hatchery: Oh, I'm not any more.  
  
Zazz: @#^%$#^*(*(^!!!*zips up fly* AWWW that hurt...  
  
Overmind & Cerebrate: ...  
  
Overmind: *Zazz and the hatchery argue in the background* Welsh, anyways *lamps breaking noise* That chryshalish has a bery powerful being inshlide. *Screaming and arguing sounds * I need you to make shlur that no one hurtshs her *Car alarm*.  
  
Cerebrate: Don't worry boss *weird smell* , I'll make sure to take good care of her *wink* *Zazz and the hatchery get down* you don't have to worry a little bit *nuclear attack*  
  
(Two hours later, at the Cerebrates poker game)  
  
Cerebrate: Alright gentlemen, and hideous beasts... Oh, I guess that applies to everyone!  
  
Everyone: ... *shotgun cocking noises*  
  
Cerebrate: ... Uh... Heh...Heh... Heh... I've got here a priceless chrysalis, worth more than anything. LETS PLAY! ANTI UP! *Smashes beer can against forehead*  
  
Defiler: Man, I gotta crap! *gas cloud appears out of ass*  
  
Hydralisk: Ay comrade that stinks like constipated weasel.  
  
Cerebrate: Word! *Flashes gang-sign* *does can-can with Hydralisks*  
  
Hydralisk: DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DDDDDAAAA!!!!!!  
  
(The Overmind walks in with cat food)  
  
Overmind: *Facing other direction* Hey guys, I'm back with th...*turns around* ...ARE YOU GAMBLING MY CRYSALIS!!!?!?!?!?!?  
  
Cerebrate: uh... I was taking back the chrysalis from these...uh...ASSHOLES!!!!!  
  
Supposed "Assholes": WHAT!?!?!?!?  
  
Overmind: *sucks inhaler* Yah!!! *Hits Zergling on head with mallet*  
  
Zergling: Woop, woop, woop, woop!  
  
Hydralisk: Why you chowdahead!  
  
Cerebrate: *Puts hand between eyes* Ah, no one can hurt me now ^_^  
  
Zergling: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!  
  
Lurker: Why you! *slaps him*  
  
(Ah the three stooges, they are so funny)  
  
(Well, the Overmind kills them all with a tuna sandwich and then gives the Cerebrate a "high five" for the effort)  
  
Cerebrate: Good, the chrysalis is safe now *Man, he would have lost, I HAD A FLUSH*  
  
-- Go to a meeting hall of Cerebrates --  
  
Overmind: *No headgear* You have fought well young Cerebrate. You are now ready to travel back to our home world on Char.  
  
Daggoth: Yes, but there is a GOD DAMMED PROTOSS FLEET BLOCKING OUR WAY!  
  
Cerebrate: The bastards *Looks mean* We must kill them all *Finds a penny* oooowwww, find a penny, pick it up and all the day you'll have good luck! ^_^  
  
Others: ...  
  
Zazz: Yes, we gonna take them down *crosses arms* OLD SCHOOL!  
  
Cerebrate: ... And I want a pony, and a girlfriend, and a monkey, and a friend for the monkey, and a...  
  
Overmind: SHUT UP YOU STUPID IDIOTIC FLATCHULENT BOOGER CAT-FARTING-ON ASSHOLE!!!! *Hyperventilates**Falls over*  
  
Daggoth: *Investigates* He needs mouth to mouth or he'll die!  
  
(All of the Cerebrates take one HUGE step back at once)  
  
Cerebrate: Wait, there has to be a better way! *Thinks for a moment* I've got it! *Grabs Cat*  
  
Cerebrate: *Hits Overmind with cat* Stop *Hits Overmind with cat* hyper *Hits Overmind with cat* ventilating *Hits Overmind with cat*  
  
Overmind: *cured* Ah, thank you, I am very grateful... *Gets hit in head with Cat*  
  
Cerebrate: STOP HYPERVENTILATING!  
  
Overmind: *Deep stare into Cerebrate* ... Anyways... Use a drone to bring the chrysalis to the warp point. We'll leave then.  
  
-- The level begins -  
  
Daggoth: In case you ever need then Cerebrate, which you will, you can use my broods. These special people know that Protoss' weakness.  
  
Cerebrate: Okay man, thanks for your help. Now, what to do... Oh, I know!  
  
(Five minutes later at some bar...)  
  
Singing Drunks: OH DANNY BOY!!!!!!  
  
Cerebrate: HHHEEEEE HHHHEEEE YEEEAAAHHH!!!!  
  
-- Return to present -  
  
Cerebrate: Na... That's a terrible idea...  
  
-- BREAK --  
  
Monty: ALRIGHT GUYS!!! I HEAR THAT THIS ONE DUDE LIKES ALEX BETTER!!!!  
  
Alex: That's because I am...  
  
Monty: SHUT UP ALE...  
  
(Random donkey appears)  
  
Alex: *Shoots up donkey's ass causing a stampede on Monty* I warned you man...  
  
Monty: *Recuperates*  
  
Monty: Sorry Alex, I just get pissed when ASSHOLES THINK YOUR BETTER THAN ME!!!!  
  
Alex: We've gone through this...  
  
Monty: Sorry...  
  
Alex: Sorry what...  
  
Monty: Sorry sir... Alex: That's right slave monkey. NOW TAKE A NAP!!!  
  
Monty: BUT I'M NOT TIRED!!! *throws fecies*  
  
Audience: Wow, things smell like fecies...  
  
More Audience: Wow, Monkey fecies...  
  
Monty: Can I at least tell my storwy before nappy twime?  
  
Alex: Alright...*Watches new Christina Aguilera video* but don't take TOO long *grabs tissue paper and Vaseline*  
  
Monty: This is something that just came to me one day. I don't know how or why, but I'm just gonna go with it.  
  
Okay, Ed, Edd and Eddy were ruining their civilization, so the people sent them to this new planet. The ship they were on was on autopilot as to not make a pilot have to live with them. This new planet was going to force feed the Edds mushrooms for the rest of their lives.  
  
One day in space, they were hit by a space polar bear the size f a walnut. This caused them to crash on a random planet.  
  
In order to survive, the Edds had to eat a plant that looked like Chere (I don't know how to spell her name) giving head to a walrus with three nipples and a car he named aichee wawa.  
  
This vegetation caused the Edds to mutate together and turn into Rocky and Bullwinkle, only three times as big, acts like South Park and are both transsexuals.  
  
They gave birth to four blue ninja monkeys that cannot do anything, not even breath unless they jump like Mario from the Mario brothers games. These monkeys travel around the world to scrape mildew off of giant turtles with herpes and like chitty chitty bang bang.  
  
The monkeys worst enemy is a giant turd named peanut head. Peanut head only wants the Earth to smell like crap to allow him to live. With this change of environment, these pig-rats with eyes like a fly can't live.  
  
So these pig-rats shoot this stuff out of their butt to change the environment so they can live. But it causes the planet to look like Don Knotts.  
  
I know, WTF!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!???????????. This just came to me today...  
  
Alex: Took you long enough...What now?  
  
Monty: *under breath* I prepare for your demise... MWAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHHAH!!!  
  
Alex: What was that?  
  
Monty: Oh nothing... I was just uh... preparing for your demise...  
  
Alex: Well don't make too much noise, Oprah is on.  
  
Monty: Kay...  
  
(... Hey don't look at me, I do the parentheses stuff. God, these guys are total dumb asses...)  
  
-- End break -- 


End file.
